Friendships & ADHD

Sometimes ADHD can cause behaviours that miss the mark in social situations, like oversharing with someone you’ve just met, or talking over someone because you’ve just remembered a great anecdote and you want to share it right away. And although difficulty reading social cues is often more closely related to autism, ADHD and autism do tend to overlap quite frequently, meaning many people with ADHD will have symptoms of both conditions.^[1]

It’s very common for people with ADHD to struggle with organising, meaning that the nuts-and-bolts of social commitments can fall by the wayside. This may materialise in some of the following ways:

• forgetting your friends’ birthdays;
• double-booking; or:
• simply missing occasions entirely.

This can come across to your friends as you being aloof or uncaring, and being less committed  to the relationship.

Being the ‘life and soul of the party’ is all well and good, but when your behaviour crosses over into recklessness it can become a bit more problematic and, potentially, alienating. If your ADHD causes you to frequently act without thinking, this might eventually wear thin on your friends, especially if they’re having to deal with the fallout.

And likewise, if you struggle to contain or manage your moods and emotions, your friends might find it quite difficult or tiresome to manage.

Do you ever realise, in the middle of being spoken to, that your mind has wandered? So you nod along as if you’re following but in reality you’ve got no idea? (Don’t worry, you wouldn’t be the only one.) But with ADHD, you might find that this happens more often than you’d like. And you might find they start to notice.

Over time, this kind of inattention can cause you to miss important details about your friends lives, hobbies and interests. It can make it seem like you’re uninterested in who they are and what they have to say, and are, instead, just waiting for your turn to speak.

ADHD is frequently associated with a phenomenon called ‘rejection sensitivity dysphoria’ (or RSD for short), where someone feels intense emotional distress in response to rejection – whether it’s real, perceived, or on the horizon.

Not much is known about RSD, but it seems to occur more frequently in those with ADHD than without it, possibly due to the way the ADHD brain is structured.[2] In any case, RSD can have a significant impact on both forming and maintaining friendships. Fear of not being accepted by potential new peers can lead to insular behaviours. Whereas with existing friendships, rejection sensitivity can come in to play in other ways, such as:

• Not planning social events or gatherings, because you’re worried people won’t be interested or won’t turn up.
• Overreacting when you haven’t been invited to hang out.
• Not being honest with your friends about things that upset you, as a way to avoid potential conflict.
• Overanalysing or misinterpreting social interactions to make them seem like more of a big deal than they actually are.

It’s possible to become a better listener by—simply put—working at it. If you often find your mind wanders when you’re being spoken to, do your best to stay present in the moment and follow along. Ask questions, repeat things back, and any time your mind wanders, consciously bring yourself back to what your friend is saying. If you’re worried you’ve missed something, let them know – they won’t take it personally, and will appreciate your honesty.

It might sound simple, but telling your friends about your ADHD and how it affects your behaviour could make a big difference. Once they know that you’re doing your best but that your condition can make it harder for you in certain ways, they might be more understanding and forgiving.

If you struggle with forgetfulness, try to anticipate any future issues where possible by making notes and setting reminders as early as possible. That way you have insurance for when you might forget important things like events or birthdays. You could also write down things your friends are doing so you can ask them about it to demonstrate attentiveness.

As you get older, life tends to get busier. And with that, it can often become harder to maintain regular contact with your friends, especially if you don’t book the time in. That’s why it’s important to demonstrate your commitment to your friendships by arranging a time that works for everyone and booking it in the calendar. Things don’t happen unless you make them happen.

Friendship is a two-way street. If your friends aren’t able to cut you some slack or show you any understanding, they might be taking you for granted. True friendships should be built on mutual trust and respect. And if you feel as though you’re putting the care and attention into a relationship that’s not being reciprocated, there’s nothing wrong with calling that friendship into question.

For many people with ADHD, treatment can make all the difference in improving their relationships. Whether it’s therapy, medication, or both, you might find that working with an ADHD expert helps you overcome the hurdles that challenge your friendships and improves your overall life.